Killing Your Sweet Breath - Chapter 51
Chapter 26.1
Winter faltered, her usual sharp gaze dulling as confusion washed over her unguarded face.
He wants me to love him?
Had she heard him correctly?
No, it couldn’t be.
Van had always claimed to want her, but Winter had never interpreted his desire as a plea for love.
To her, it had always felt like possessiveness. Like a man trying to reclaim something he had lost.
Their agreement, their contract—none of it had included love.
Logically, she could brush off his words. And yet…
The ache in her chest felt raw, as if his request had struck a nerve she didn’t even know she had.
His voice didn’t sound like a demand. It sounded like a lonely cry, like a grieving child wailing for lost parents, or the anguished howl of a beast separated from its pack.
Before Winter could steel herself against the pain, Van Helgram leaned in, close enough that his breath tickled her ear, and whispered directly into her ear.
“Love me, Winter.”
It was as if he could see straight through her, as though he already knew she was trying to dismiss his words. His voice repeated the plea, not letting her deny what she’d heard. It wrapped around her, like a sweet melody she couldn’t escape.
His voice reached deep into Winter’s chest, stirring her heart and shattering the calm she’d just barely regained.
“Breathe.”
Had she been holding her breath? At his quiet command, she exhaled slowly, and the tightness in her chest began to ease.
“There you go. Good girl.”
With that simple praise, Van pressed a kiss to her cheek. His touch was rougher than usual, like he was just as nervous as she was.
The kiss overwhelmed her senses, and Winter forced herself to focus on taking slow, steady breaths,
She couldn’t understand why his words affected her this way. Why did she feel so dazed by a simple request to be loved, not even a declaration of love?
She had to pull herself together. She couldn’t let herself be swept away. Not like this.
It felt as though she were drifting aimlessly across a sea of fog, lost and unsure of where to go.
Van’s lips began trailing downward, and his cold hand slid further along the inside of her thigh. Only then did Winter snap back to her senses.
“S-stop!”
Van Helgram froze. His lips lingered against the peak of her br**st, but his cold hand stilled where it was between her legs.
Winter pushed herself back toward the headboard, sitting up slowly.
Her cheeks were flushed, her breath uneven, and the guarded look in her eyes left no room for doubt. Seeing her expression, Van followed her lead, sitting up with her.
The charge between them broke, dissipating as though nothing had happened.
“Van, I…”
Winter stammered, as if trying to pick up the scattered pieces of her thoughts from the floor.
“I don’t want this… I don’t want those kinds of feelings between us. I’ll stay by your side, but love? That’s just…”
This relationship, they couldn’t let it become something more.
Winter knew all too well the crushing weight of loneliness. Nights where the emptiness felt bone-deep, where one’s heart felt torn open and their blood was draining from their body.
On nights like those, sharing someone else’s warmth was enough.
Winter had no desire for love. It was a fragile, pure emotion, and it didn’t belong on the violent, blood-soaked road they were traveling together.
“…Do you have feelings for that knight?”
Van Helgram asked before Winter could continue. His voice was deeper and quieter than usual, but his lips were pressed into a thin, hard line.
That knight?
Winter froze, Ian’s face coming to mind.
She recalled the night Ian had come to see her, and how Van Helgram had appeared at her door in a disheveled state afterward.
She swore to the heavens that she had no romantic feelings for Ian. Especially not after his betrayal. If anything, Winter wanted nothing more than for him to leave the Helgram estate as soon as possible.
“Would you step aside if I did?”
Letting Van misunderstand might be better.
She felt a twinge of guilt for Ian. He had suffered through unrequited feelings for so long and was now being used because of them.
But with his imminent departure, and no chance of them crossing paths again, using him as a shield felt like the simplest option. Besides, considering the wrongs Ian had committed, a little inconvenience hardly seemed unfair.
When Winter finally answered, Van Helgram didn’t react. Not visibly.
Winter gently pushed him back. This time, he retreated without resistance, unlike before, when he had been as immovable as a rock.
His gaze lingered on her, almost as if sadness clung to the ends of his lashes.
She hadn’t meant to hurt him.
If she had known it would end like this, she would never have let herself be swayed by his words.
Regret lingered in the air, mingling with the thick, awkward silence that had fallen between them.
* * *
The wheels of the carriage rattled loudly against the dirt as they traveled toward Helgram.
Winter and Van sat in the same carriage, but neither spoke a word. They both stared silently out their respective windows.
As the journey dragged on, darkness settled over the forest surrounding them. The air grew colder, and Van Helgram silently draped a fur blanket over Winter’s lap.
Just as she was about to thank him, the carriage slowed to a halt. Outside, soldiers began unloading supplies, preparing to camp for the night.
“It seems unlikely we’ll reach the inn tonight. Tomorrow, you’ll be able to rest at Merrillodge Castle. I ask for your patience, just for tonight.”
The commander in charge politely informed Winter and Van of the situation.
Van stepped out of the carriage without a word, and Winter nodded in response.
The awkward silence between them dissipated, leaving Winter alone with her own thoughts.
‘Should I have been more direct?’
Winter paused, then shook her head.
He would never understand.
Her refusal to accept love was something only she could explain to herself.
Gazing at the moon shining over the dark forest, Winter’s thoughts wandered to a particular night.
The night she took on her first mission after arriving in the capital.
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