It’s Not Night - Chapter 206.1

After returning to the academy, I changed my mind dozens of times every day. I would think that I should finally tell Andra everything, and then think that it would be better to just keep my distance and watch her from afar.

But I couldn’t choose either option. I was curious if Andra had remembered everything, so I hovered around the building she was in, but I couldn’t bring myself to approach her.

Then, I received the news of my father’s death.

Unable to decide anything, I left the academy and returned to the north.

“What are you going to do now?”

My sister asked after the funeral. I told her I would return to the academy for a while for graduation, and she looked displeased. She scolded me, asking what kind of crazy person goes back to that place just for graduation.

She was somewhat right. I had already been confirmed for graduation, and my degree would be recognized even if I didn’t attend the ceremony.

But Andra was there.

Even though I still hadn’t made up my mind, I wanted to see her.

I knew it was selfish. I had no courage to ask her if she remembered me, yet here I was, thinking of spying on her from afar. How pathetic and self-centered of me.

Still, I really wanted to see Andra.

“Lord Airak!”

When I returned to the academy, Andra was wearing her graduation gown. I heard she was the valedictorian. She had been chosen to give a speech on behalf of the graduates.

It was the perfect ending for her. At the same time, I felt so small.

Look at me. I’m not someone who belongs with you.

Then, Andra suddenly extended her hand toward me. I froze, not knowing what to do. Should I take her hand?

As I stared at her hand for a long moment, Andra eventually lowered it. I regretted it again. I should have taken it. This could have been the last chance. What a fool I am. Why am I still alive?

“Anyway, thank you.”

I was about to ask Andra if she remembered anything about me, but I couldn’t bring myself to. The faint smile on her face still held that expression of not knowing anything.

At the same time, I was disappointed that she didn’t remember me. What was I supposed to do in response? I thought to myself, it was absurd.

Suddenly, I composed myself and took one last look at Andra’s face. Once I fully graduated from the academy, I wouldn’t have the chance to see her again. This would be the last time we’d stand so close.

With a heavy voice, I finally spoke.

“Congratulations on your graduation, lady.”

I don’t know how I’m supposed to live, Andra.

I’m sure I’ll miss you.

That was my farewell, in my own way.

* * *

Is this what it means to live without dying?

After graduating, I returned to the north and, at my sister’s command, was assigned to the front lines of the north.

It was obvious that she had sent me there to get my head straight, but in the end, I didn’t change much. Most of the time, I spent thinking about Andra during the rest of my work hours.

However, there’s a limit to what the imagination can bear, and I would occasionally meet an Andra who was invisible to me. And each time, tears would vaguely fall. Andra, do you not want to show your face to me anymore? I’m sorry, I was wrong. But I miss you…

I repeated self-harm again. Then one day, I woke up not in my quarters but in the infirmary. Standing by my bedside was Yen, who had grown considerably since I last saw her. She clicked her tongue as she looked at my wounds and threw some clothes at me.

“Get up and put on some clothes, you idiot.”

“……”

“The head of the family kindly gave you a leave, so be thankful.”

Leave? Where was I supposed to go… I stared blankly at Yen.

When I didn’t move, Yen got upset and dragged me off the bed. I was unceremoniously tossed to the floor, dragged by my younger sister, who was five years younger than me.

“You’re making the morale of the troops plummet!”

“Ah…”

“Now, she doesn’t care where you go or what you do! So go anywhere, just not the north!”