It’s Not Night - Chapter 205.2

Without thinking, I reached out to touch her lips but quickly withdrew my hand.

“I’m sorry, it looked like something was on your lips…”

“Is that so? …Lord is really kind.”

Andra, too, seemed embarrassed by my sudden action and smiled awkwardly.

Damn it. I was quickly overcome by fear. What if you think I’m strange because of this? What if you think I’m a pervert, that you knew this would happen?

I anxiously watched Andra, swallowing dryly. But you didn’t say anything afterward.

I returned to my seat and nervously shook my leg, trying to hide it. The shame of not being able to control myself hit me hard. Thoughts of self-harm, which I had managed to forget for a while, resurfaced. Maybe if I could tear my skin and feel some pain, I could escape these wretched thoughts, even for a moment.

Unable to resist, I stood up. I couldn’t let this continue. I wanted to show Andra at least a normal appearance, just for her.

I quietly watched Andra, now engrossed in her research, and slipped outside.

Once outside, I found a deserted path and slashed my arm with a small knife. I pressed hard, and blood flowed freely. Seeing the dark red blood helped me regain some composure.

After quickly stopping the bleeding and cleaning up the wound, I made sure to hide the evidence of self-harm and returned to the research room where Andra was.

“….Andra!”

When I returned, I found Andra had suddenly collapsed. I rushed to her in panic. Despite her pale face, her body was burning with fever.

My mind went blank, and I froze, feeling like an idiot, unable to do anything.

You idiot, you fool. Why did you leave her?

What was the point of hurting myself? What’s the point of your body…

What should I do? How should I…

In a delayed panic, I remembered the medical room, picked Andra up, and ran there. The doctor was surprised when I unexpectedly entered with a woman in my arms, but quickly gave instructions.

I laid Andra on the bed and told the doctor everything in detail.

“She’s suffering from anemia and lack of sleep. Both seem to have combined and caused a mild collapse. Let’s start with an IV drip.”

After the doctor finished his examination, he reassured me that it wasn’t anything to worry about. Hearing those words, my heart, which had been pounding like it might explode, started to calm down.

I sat in a chair and stared blankly at the sleeping Andra. The doctor had set up the IV and left.

“I was wrong…”

I stayed by her side for a long time, apologizing silently. Leaving her alone to hurt myself, not noticing her earlier, not taking care of her—all of it was my fault. I should have been more attentive to her. I should have worked harder to keep her from getting hurt.

It was at that moment. Andra’s hand suddenly grasped mine.

“Du, Dustin, don’t go… don’t go, please…”

Her desperate voice. It was the voice that had called out to me in our final moment. My heart dropped.

I instinctively pulled my hand away from hers. My hand, still tingling with her warmth, trembled. No, no, this can’t be. It must have been a mistake, she must have called out in her sleep…

“You said you’d stay… why… are you leaving… Dustin…”

Andra called my name again. At that moment, I could barely breathe. Tears rolled down Andra’s cheeks.

Seeing that, I couldn’t say anything. I felt like a coward. The last time I left you alone, abandoning you, came rushing back. That too was a sin I had committed against you.

Suddenly, I was terrified. If you truly came back, if you remembered me, what would you say seeing who I am now? You would probably resent me. After I left you behind, even when you begged me not to go. Could I accept that look of resentment in your eyes? Just the thought of it made my chest tighten.

I also wasn’t sure if I was someone good for you.

Andra, you’re a radiant, beautiful person wherever you go, someone who could live just fine without me… am I just leaving a stain on your life?

No matter how much I thought about it, I felt I was nothing but lacking compared to you. And I carried the mental illness of self-harm addiction.

Do I even deserve to love you?

Yes. I was still nothing more than a coward. Even as I wanted you to remember me, deep down I hoped you would forget me and live your life entirely on your own.

If you’re with me, you’ll be unhappy. I’m a useless, insignificant person. At first, you may not realize it, but eventually, you’ll get tired of me and leave.

I fled the room. My stomach churned. I was disgusted with myself. I had waited so long, but when the opportunity came, I ran away. The thought that you might reject me also gnawed at me.

Damn Airak, damned… Dustin Airak.