It’s Not Night - Chapter 205.1

But there was no helping it. The academy was something I couldn’t give up. It was the only place where I could see Andra again.

“Sister, I’ll accept everything else. But please let me go to the academy.”

“You fool… Did they coat the academy with honey or something? You’ve been silent this whole time, and now you suddenly want to go? Look at you, Dustin. With your messed-up state, where do you think you’re going?”

“If my body recovers…”

“Denied.”

Sister immediately cut me off, rejecting my request. As I grew restless, she carefully observed me and finally made an offer.

“From now on, stop hurting yourself. If you even scratch your body once, whether it’s the academy or not, you’ll be locked away in the basement and left to truly die. Do you understand?”

“…”

“Do you understand me?”

I wasn’t confident, but I had no choice but to nod.

Sister’s threat wasn’t in vain. I focused on recovering my body until the academy entrance, and on the surface, I looked as though I no longer had any signs of self-harm, as if nothing had ever happened.

Of course, I couldn’t completely stop hurting myself. I still sometimes inflicted pain during practice fights, and each time, my sister would beat me until I was nearly dead.

“Keep that up and see what happens at the academy. They don’t even have a healer there.”

“…I understand.”

“What exactly is so important at the academy… Fine, go ahead, just get out of here.”

After leaving the North and entering the academy, I was able to meet Andra once again. This time, as the years passed, things seemed to unfold much the same as before. You still couldn’t remember anything, and yet there I was, reaching out to you, Andra, to shake your hand.

“It’s good to see you here, Lady. I look forward to working with you.”

“Oh… I didn’t expect Lord to attend the academy. I’ll be sure to work well with you too.”

Seeing Andra smile so brightly made my heart ache. How can you smile like that, not remembering anything, not knowing anything? It’s not fair.

After Andra left, I stood there, staring blankly at my hand, still warm from where she had touched it. It felt like tears were about to fall.

I didn’t know how long I’d be waiting for this, or where it would lead.

My sins were far too great.

Since entering the academy, whenever I couldn’t bear the urge to hurt myself, I would write a letter with no sender and send it to Andra. I knew it was meaningless, but I couldn’t stop. After sending the letters, it felt like the hole in my chest would be filled, just a little bit.

I hope that my heart, my longing, reaches you, even if just a little.

I hope you remember me.

I’m sorry, Andra. For being so greedy with you.

Time passed quickly. Graduation was fast approaching, and everyone became busy. I was taking even the most pointless general courses, hoping for any chance to meet Andra naturally. My body and mind were exhausted, but my will to live was more than enough.

Then the day I had been waiting for finally arrived. We sat facing each other in the meeting room. I couldn’t say a word because of my nervousness. What if you don’t like me speaking up? What if I make a mistake and you start to despise me…

“I heard we’re in the same group this time.”

“…Yes.”

“…Well, I look forward to working with you.”

“…I do, too.”

You idiot, just go die.

* * *

Throughout the trip to the Aslan ruins, Andra, you tried to ease the awkward atmosphere by chatting about various topics. Watching you, I realized again how blind I had been in the past, and more importantly, how much of a worthless bastard I had been.

You were always so cheerful, always saying such kind things. Why had I tried to see the opposite in you?

Even though you, the one I longed for, were right in front of me, I couldn’t smile.

“I’ll wait here.”

“Ah, sorry, I’ve been here too long. I’ll hurry up.”

“No, it’s fine. Take your time.”

Andra’s research continued day and night. The thesis proposal had been rejected several times, and she had said there was little time left.

You were collecting materials and working on your research so passionately that sometimes you forgot to eat. Every time you did, I stayed by your side, quietly watching your expression, your gestures, your movements, all of it.

You truly shine, even without me.

But I can’t live without you now.

Is it okay for someone like me to love you?

I made tea for Andra, who had stayed up all night. She must have dozed off, because when I approached, she looked up at me, startled. Then she smiled gently. The small dimple at the corner of her mouth made her look even more lovely.