It’s Not Night - Chapter 204.2

I couldn’t bring myself to watch Andra and the Second Prince any longer, so I left the place.

I didn’t learn that Andra had given up Lady Venetolia’s position and returned to the East until a day after I had come back to the North.

I stopped my self-harming hands and let out a sigh of relief. So, just like before, this time too, you chose the East over the Central.

It was a relief. I had been anxious that perhaps Andra might stay in the Central. I smiled briefly, but then my face hardened.

Damn, why is that a relief?

I should be hoping for her happiness, idiot.

* * *

Before entering the Academy, whenever I slept, I had nightmares. Andra, you were always in them. The reason why it was a nightmare was because you still didn’t remember me.

Because of that, I found myself repeating the contradictory action of wanting to escape the nightmare, but not being able to.

One day, my older sister, now the head of the family, called for me. She had been ignoring me, treating me like air for a long time, especially after I became obsessed with self-harm and was acting like a madman.

So, I was a little startled. Why did she call me? There shouldn’t have been any reason for it. Hesitating, I went upstairs to find her.

It might have been because the new healer had seen my self-harming symptoms and had informed her in shock. At that point, I had realized I looked like a crazy person obsessed with self-harm, and I had not been able to live properly due to nightmares. Even the servants would flinch and be shocked every time they saw my condition.

“Sit down.”

Sister was standing with her back to the entrance, looking out the window. I silently took the seat that had been left for me. After a long while, she still didn’t speak. Because of her posture, I couldn’t even see her face, and I had no idea what she was thinking.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

After the long silence, Sister let out a sigh and turned to face me. I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know the answer either.

What was wrong? If I were to give the answer closest to the truth, it would be ‘everything,’ but saying that would probably make my sister grab her sword and slash my body immediately.

“How long do you plan on tearing apart your own body like a rag?”

I didn’t know either. I wasn’t cutting myself to be forgiven. I couldn’t stop because it felt like a need. Maybe it was out of anxiety. At first, I didn’t know whether all of this was reality or a dream, but now, it was just instinctively that my hands went to my body.

Every time the wrongs I did to Andra come to mind, I hurt myself once.

Every time I miss Andra, I hurt myself again.

And every time I think about how much I wish Andra would remember me, I hurt myself once more.

After all that, my body becomes covered in wounds. But I convinced myself that this was the price I had to pay for my sins. Forcibly grabbing Andra’s wrist and dragging her around as I pleased…

Looking back, I can almost understand now why Andra was so terrified… it was the consequences of my actions.

“You don’t want to die, but why the hell are you doing this? Everything else is fine, but how can you not take care of your own body? And you still use the name of Airak?”

When I stayed silent, Sister eventually shouted at me. I quietly lowered my head, unable to make an excuse or be honest about my feelings.

In a way, I realized that I was still a coward. Afraid to face Andra’s heart, just like when I jumped into lava.

I didn’t know how I had changed like this. I just vaguely… couldn’t shake the thought that I was like garbage.

I wanted to get close to Andra, but the things I had done to her in the past kept pulling me back. That’s why I didn’t want to force anything. This time, I hoped Andra would live a life of her own choosing. I didn’t want her to care whether I lived or died.

But… that’s all I wished for.

Still, I keep getting greedy.

At the same time, I want to run away.

What the hell am I doing? I bit my lower lip.

“Are you really going to the academy looking like this? I don’t understand how you’re living like this. Are you just going to leave?”

“…”

“Yeah, just keep your mouth shut. You won’t even be able to leave your room, let alone go to the academy.”

The thought of not being able to go to the academy made my head snap up. Sister let out an incredulous laugh, as if she couldn’t believe the absurdity of it all.