It’s Not Night - Chapter 204.1

[T/W: Repeated mentions of self-harm]

At our second meeting, I pretended not to notice, but I was still watching you. You, who still shone gracefully among the crowd. You flickered, just out of reach, like something I could almost grasp but not quite. Even though many openly ignored me, you quietly looked at me and smiled faintly, as if you were touching some hidden vulnerability of mine.

As time passed, what started as envy or admiration turned into jealousy in an instant. I denied that I was drawn to you, retorting to your words and behaving mischievously. It was pathetic, childish behavior. Yet, I couldn’t stop, and our relationship seemed to only spiral down further.

There was a time when I wished you would be caught by me. Maybe then I could give up on you and finally sort out this ugly, confused feeling I had.

But maybe because I had never once had you in my grasp, I couldn’t pretend not to notice how my gaze kept going to you. I couldn’t stop it.

Looking back now, I realize that I was hungry for you. The woman, Andra Avelin, who was the complete opposite of me.

I didn’t even know it was love.

Now I can admit it. I was like a frog in a well. My world was narrow, unlike yours, and I had no interest in anyone outside the north or my family.

I lived my life thinking that was the right way, but now I realize how arrogant and foolish I was. I even ruined things because I couldn’t even recognize that I loved you.

What an idiot I was.

Andra, how could you say you loved someone like me?

* * *

Unlike the chaos of the past, the second coming-of-age ceremony went smoothly. Andra, having been named the successor to Lady Venetolia’s title, proved her worth as an Avelin in every way.

Now, no one would dare call Andra the ‘princess of the East’ in a dismissive way. If they had their eyes properly open, they wouldn’t have said such things. Where did that nonsense even come from?

“Of course, Lady Venetolia’s position will go to Lady Avelin, won’t it?”

“But Lady Jewelie is also not someone to overlook.”

While Andra briefly stepped away, people were gossiping about the two candidates for Lady Venetolia’s position. I quietly listened from behind before eventually leaving the ballroom.

From the start, society wasn’t a place I belonged. I had only stayed until now to see Andra, and there was no longer any reason for me to remain. I loosened my cravat and walked down the hallway where the cold wind blew.

“I heard a curious rumor recently. Do you want to take a guess at what it is?”

Someone appeared right in front of me. I thought I had seen her somewhere before, and it was Stephanie Jewelie. In the past, she had been the one to offer me her hand to push Andra aside. I eyed her warily. What was she going to say this time?

“I’m not interested.”

“Do you always cut me off so quickly without knowing what I want?”

It was obvious. It had to be about the marriage talks between the First Princess and Anthony. That’s what Stephanie had approached me with before, and I had agreed to it without hesitation.

But now, it wasn’t my concern anymore. To be more precise, I didn’t want to be involved.

“If you’re going to offer me something using my brother’s marriage as bait, try someone else. Or better yet, go find Lady Venetolia and tell her you know she has a limited time. That would be an easier route.”

“…Lord.”

“I’ll take my leave now. Enjoy your time.”

I didn’t even want to hear her reply. I ended the conversation abruptly and walked away, heading wherever my feet would take me. Fortunately, Stephanie didn’t try to stop me. It was a smart move.

As expected, from a woman who had once dominated both the Southern and Central society.

A thought crossed my mind. Perhaps Stephanie Jewelie would take Andra’s place this time. In the time since I had returned, I’d realized that, for the most part, the future didn’t change.

Even though I remembered everything, I had never tried to change the future except in relation to my relationship with Andra. The only thing I wanted to fix was the wrongs I had done to her. That alone would be enough for me.

In reality, that was all I could be satisfied with.

I walked around the garden to clear my mind, then returned to the ballroom. There, I saw Andra laughing and chatting with the Second Prince. Just seeing that made me unknowingly grind my teeth. The wound in my mouth split open, and I tasted the foul, metallic tang of blood. I let out a bitter laugh.

Is this really living? I’ve bitten my tongue dozens of times and harmed myself hundreds, and it doesn’t faze me anymore.

But even as I said that, I could feel more than anyone else that I wanted to live. Because as long as I was alive, I could see Andra. And someday, I would have to ask for her forgiveness.