It’s Not Night - Chapter 203.2

To make up for that disastrous first encounter, I did everything I could afterward. I was like a caterpillar caught in a spider’s web, struggling to escape. It couldn’t have been more humiliating.

But over the years, I begged and groveled, doing everything I could, and little by little, Andra’s guard began to slip.

But it didn’t take long for me to realize that I could only get so close to her.

Damn Airak.

To think that I would be the one to say it. In the end, to Andra, I was just an Airak. No matter how much I tried to act like a gentleman, with my smooth words and polite actions, I would always appear like a lowly beast in the eyes of the Avelin.

A deep sense of despair overwhelmed me.

I couldn’t stop harming myself.

One day, after Anthony saw the marks from my self-harm, he grabbed me by the collar and threw me to the floor. I fell face-first into the dirt but didn’t resist. Instead, my younger sister Yen stepped in for me and yelled at Anthony.

“Why are you protecting him? He’s a freak. Look at what he’s doing.”

I could hear Anthony openly insulting me. I wasn’t even that angry about it. I knew I was being an idiot myself.

While Yen tried to hold Anthony back, I stumbled back to my room. Blood dripped from the wounds on my body, which had become torn and ragged from my repeated self-inflicted cuts. But after so much cutting and stabbing, I had become numb to the pain.

I lay down on the sofa and covered my face with my hands. Even now, I felt like I was going crazy, missing Andra. But I had to hold back. I couldn’t behave recklessly like I had in my past life.

Right now, I should be grateful that Andra didn’t despise or hate me. Think about it—what am I to the Avelin? For an Airak, I’d say I’ve done pretty well. At least now, when we meet, we can exchange greetings, right?

Well, that’s something.

I took a deep breath and laughed, feeling like a madman.

Ironically, even after trying to end it all hundreds of times, I had no intention of dying. I took better care of myself than anyone else—making sure I ate, slept, and stayed healthy—because I wanted to appear normal when I saw Andra again.

As a result, every time I showed my mutilated flesh from self-harm, the family healer would look at me with a horrified expression. ‘Crazy bastard.’ His face said it all. And I would just laugh again like a madman. What else was I supposed to do, huh?

People were right. I wasn’t sane.

When I stayed in Hezel, I heard the locals talk about death being a form of rest. That death brought peace, the end of suffering. They said that those who had sinned were condemned to endless reincarnation, suffering in the afterlife until they paid for their sins.

At first, I thought it was Dean’s story, but now I see it was my own. Yes, that bastard couldn’t have gone mad for no reason. Just like Dean, I am paying for my sins in this life. The sins I committed against Andra in the past life are far too great.

That’s why I couldn’t stop harming myself. I couldn’t stop until all my sins were erased. Of course, Andra could never know this pain, so I would have to keep it hidden, just like I always have. I planned to keep pretending in front of her, acting as if nothing was wrong.

Not even a fraction of my pain could be revealed to her. God still hadn’t granted me the right to ask for forgiveness.

…Still, I wanted to beg for forgiveness.

Andra, I miss you so much.

* * *

While I erased many of my past wrongs, I also had to face them head-on. In those pasts, Andra, you always despised me, hated me, and never hesitated to criticize me. During those times, I would beg you on my knees.

I was wrong, Andra. I’m sorry.

And yet, at the end of it all, knowing you would turn your back on me, I still clung to the illusion of the past.

Just wait. Just a little longer. Can’t you stay with me? Don’t leave. Don’t leave, Andra. Please…

Looking back, it seems like I’ve always had my eyes on you since our first meeting. I tried to deny it, but in the end, just as I confessed my feelings for you, maybe I’ve loved you for a long time. That’s why, today, I can’t help but laugh at my own foolishness.

Yes, to be honest, at first, I hated how you shone so brightly, unlike me. While Airak was looked down upon, treated with open contempt, and neglected, Avelin were revered by everyone simply for existing. My childish heart felt a sense of petty bitterness toward that.

But hidden beneath that, I wanted to be like you. For me, at that young age, the baseless contempt was unbearable, and I envied how you could attract others effortlessly, making them your allies.

It might be hard to believe, but it’s true.