It’s Not Night - Chapter 203.1

[T/W: Repeated mentions of self-harm]

Side Story – Dustin Airak

Looking back, you were there at every moment.

I can’t decide whether I should cry or laugh at that fact.

Andra, I wish you could remember me.

* * *

Everything has returned to the beginning. When I noticed my hands and feet, and my body, had shrunk, I froze for a moment. When I saw my late father, I couldn’t even breathe, let alone speak. It made no sense, but I had returned to being eight years old.

I couldn’t believe it, so I bit my tongue as hard as I could. Blood poured from the wound with intense pain. The servants were horrified when they saw me, bleeding profusely from my mouth.

Yet, even with the sharp pain and the metallic taste in my mouth, I still couldn’t accept the reality of my situation.

It took a long time to come to terms with the situation. At times, I confused dreams with reality, and whenever I thought it might be a dream, I tried to hurt myself. If I felt pain, I could at least remind myself that I was still standing on the ground.

Fortunately, the family had a renowned healer, so there were no lasting scars, but the severity of my self-inflicted harm only increased with time. If this was really a dream, I wanted to wake up, but honestly, I didn’t want to wake up. Even if it wasn’t reality, I just wanted to see Andra again.

Since the moment I returned, my mind has been entirely consumed by Andra.

So, in a way, self-harm became a way for me to confirm that I was alive.

As I continued this cycle of self-harm and healing, I eagerly awaited the Emperor’s birthday, the day of my first meeting with Andra.

As the days passed, my heart raced faster with each passing day. Not only that, the handkerchief I held became drenched with cold sweat due to the nerves.

I was most curious if Andra had returned as I had.

After what felt like an eternity of waiting, I finally arrived at the capital, and it was unchanged. The same people who looked down on Airak were still there. When I was younger, I had wanted to gouge out their eyes, but not now.

There was someone more important to me than those insects—Andra.

I ran straight to the maze garden, the place where I first met Andra. I moved through the winding maze, desperately hoping she would be there, just as she had been before. Please, please. My heart felt like it was going to burst. I wanted to hurt myself again. I hadn’t longed for my dagger this much since I had left it behind, unable to bring weapons into the castle.

Finally, I spotted Andra moving through the maze.

A sharp ringing filled my ears. The pounding of my heart had faded, and I could no longer hear it. Perhaps my heart had exploded, or maybe all of this was just a dream. In the vacuum of silence, I stared blankly at Andra.

She looked just like that day, with her hair tied up and a large ribbon attached to the choker around her neck. Her skirt trailed on the floor as she walked, and her outstretched limbs were full of confidence. The faint smile that appeared occasionally looked relaxed.

Even if this were a dream, I didn’t mind. I was grateful to see Andra again. I didn’t think any further. In fact, my mind couldn’t keep up anymore. Like my heart, my brain had probably burst under the pressure. Instinctively, my body moved ahead of me, and I pulled Andra into a tight hug.

I missed you. I really missed you.

Just as I was about to bury my face in her scent, I was suddenly pushed away with a harsh force. Before I knew it, I was on the ground. The abruptness of it all made my head spin, and I felt dizzy, as if my stomach was turning even though I hadn’t eaten anything.

But more than that, why had I been pushed away?

Dazed, I managed to lift my head and saw Andra looking down at me with a look of disdain. A chill ran down my spine. Could it be? The one thing I didn’t want to think about was now in my mind.

It was the very reason I hoped this was a dream. At least in my dream, Andra wouldn’t look at me like she didn’t know me at all.

Soon, Andra shouted at me.

“You perverted bastard!”

At that moment, it felt like my entire world had been flipped upside down. It seemed like I was the only one who had come back. I wanted to die, biting my tongue in frustration.

But even if I bit my tongue, I wouldn’t die. Even if I could die, I wouldn’t.

How could I die in front of you when we’ve only just met?

But the thought that I had ruined what could have been a good reunion made tears flow from my eyes without me even realizing it.

I was such an idiot.

Damn it.