He resembled a hound who didn’t know what to do, so he looked cute even as he was one head taller than me.
It was a really strange feeling.
It was a feeling I had never felt before.
I swore I’d never love him when he whispered to Monica.
Just as he was using me, I was just using him as a means of survival. I had firmly set my heart to that.
But in truth, I might have already known my honest feelings for a long time.
He was a man I couldn’t even dare to have for myself, so maybe I buried my feelings in a place where even I couldn’t find it.
So, wouldn’t that be why my heart beats like it’s about to jump out of my mouth with just this little attention?
If the wavering eyes were fixed on me and did not move, I would feel so ecstatic that it’s as if I was going crazy.
Was this love?
Oh, it’s so hard.
If Mother had been present, she would have told me clearly what the name of these feelings were.
Mother couldn’t even tell me the right answer after all.
It wasn’t until our eyes met that I raised my hand near my heart as Ian looked back at his papers.
I could clearly feel my heart beating wildly. Worried that it would beat so hard that people around me might overhear it, I pressed down on the place where my heart was so that no one could hear.
I don’t want to let anyone know that I have started falling in love.
How could I change my mind so lightly? When I remembered the dirt floor of the Count’s family house, where I had made a promise as I was in pain, I felt pathetic and wanted to hide it.
But my heart, which had already started singing, did not know how to stop. Even a handful of his eyes made my heart race at full speed, and I didn’t want to turn away from his gaze.
While receiving lukewarm but slightly warm and tenacious attention from him, I fell asleep without realizing it.
I spent my time in luxury and comfort, eating food brought by the handmaid and receiving a checkup from the doctor of the Duchy.
Three days passed like that. After a length of time that coincided with the length of my first encounter with him, I was alone again.
The dark gold eyes that chased me right away when I got out of his gaze were no longer there.
The reason was later found out through books.
Alphas had a limited obsession with their omegas after spending a rut cycle together. In other words, it was said to be a period wherein they needed to protect the omega and the seed in them.
It was a habit that only alphas had— of staying close to an omega so that the seed could safely implant in the womb.
Alphas at that time showed a great obsession. Of course, the book was also among the books Ian had sent me.
I had to admit it after reading that part over ten times.
Oh, I see.
What I received was not affection.
It was just a habit driven by instinct.
“It’s just a job you have to do over and over again until you have children…”
It was an extension of his contract.
After admitting the fact that I had pretended not to know, I felt relieved.
No, I felt empty.
Time passes faster than you feel it.
Three years would be shorter than the past ten years.
So, I’m okay.
* * *
After the first night and three more nights, I had gotten used to his duality.
But getting used to it wasn’t easy. It was hard to restrain myself from feeling a sense of anticipation whenever he would be so gentle towards me. Then I had to feel the piercing pang in my heart as I watched him return to his cold attitude.
Also, unlike how I thought, pregnancy did not come easily. Impatiently, I asked the doctor the reason for that. He said that it was because I, a recessive omega, could not properly accept the pheromones and seeds of the dominant alpha.
I couldn’t forget the look on the doctor’s face at that time. The doctor looked at me as though I was pathetic—as if I was useless. That gaze stabbed my heart strongly.
For obvious reasons, I couldn’t speak further. It would be embarrassing even if it was an actual marriage, but we were in a contractual relationship, and pregnancy was a condition I had to fulfill, thus it was my job.
I was unable to fulfill my contract. What would happen if three years would pass without anything happening? If Ian would abandon me, my older brother would not let me go.
What if he tried to marry me again with Marquis Pittman?
I couldn’t sleep properly because of worry and anxiety. I had been in the annex grunting all day, waiting for the maid who always came to visit, so I had no choice but to go to the main building.
Whenever I spent the night with him and whenever he stayed by my side for a few days, they would treat me with respect. However, after he returned to the main building, the attitude of the butler and maid changed as if it had never happened.
Then the very poor food would always be delivered the next day.
Today was after the aforementioned day.
But today, they didn’t even bring food. I came here because I was hungry, but in fact, I wanted to use the library more than that.
It would be quickest to see him in person to get permission to enter the study, but he was always a busy man.
Instead, if I could see the butler, I would be able to ask.
Why are there so few employees today?
My palms were damp from impatience and tension. I stood in front of the back door to the main building.
If there was an employee who came out, I would have asked them to deliver my words instead, but for some reason, only silence flowed and I was anxious.
“What do I do?”
There was a fact that I learned painfully from the County, but since the main building was only used by the immediate family, I didn’t know what they would do if I took just one wrong step.
I was no longer the child who went to the pond unknowingly when I was young. Having grown accustomed to living in a noble family, I stamped my feet and waited for someone to come out the back door.
However, I couldn’t stand the air that seemed to have no intention of opening it even after time, so I opened the back door slightly.
I was thinking of calling any passing employees, but that couldn’t be done either.
“Why can’t I see anyone?”
What day was it today?
Then, would it be better to go back to the annex?
I rubbed the cold choker with my fingertips to cover up the traces he left behind. My habit of touching things left by Mother when I was embarrassed turned into rubbing the marks left by my alpha, with whom I had spent only a few nights.
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